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Phase I

This, despite popular belief, is the hippest place on campus. Here you will find the coolest, spiffiest, all-around hip people that are here for the first year of their long campaign along the road of intellectual enlightenment [cough cough]. Anyway, many of the "froshies" that live here are under the illusion that their marks will miraculously raise at the end of the year, thus letting them continue their stint at this campus. Fools. BWA HA HA. Er, sorry... I keep drifting. What was I talking about... Er... Right!

Due to the laxity in work ethics among the first-year students, these people are much more likely to party heartily, get smashed, hammered, tanked, baked, etc. Thus, it is a clear conclusion that we, as first-year students, are much more likely to have a fun time and party.

Now I think about it... there AREN'T any parties. It would seem that despite the laxity in work ethic (most evident by the incriminatingly low class averages) we are not meeting anything NEAR the requirements for parties. That's it, now you've got me all depressed. If we don't have some parties soon I may have to follow my own advise in the "Ways to Kill Yourself" article...

*Editor's note: We apologize for Squiffy's lack of balls. He hasn't gotten any in a while, and has become somewhat of a pansy, as is evident from the fact that we found him sobbing in bed having just finished writing this article. We have rented out a whore for him, so hopefully his next article will be somewhat more...er... masculine. Thank you.

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